Every Little Thing
by Lynnlee22
Summary: Phyllis/Billy
1. Chapter 1

**_The scent that you left on my pillow  
The sound of your heart beating with mine  
The look in your eyes like a window  
The taste of your kiss soaked in wine _**

**_Every little thing  
I remember every little thing_**

**_Baby, your ghost still haunts me  
But I don't want to sleep with it no more_**

"You're done here."

"What are you …" He propped his head on his hand as he looked at the grim face of the bartender. "This thing has no limit. I have a tab that can last on and on and on …" He leaned back a bit and grabbed the oak bar in front of him to keep from falling backwards. "I'm not done and you're not closed, so …"

"We're not closed," the man said as he reached for the empty glass that now sat in front of him, the glass he'd filled way too many times tonight. "But you're done here for tonight. You've had enough. Why don't you let me call you a car and you can go home and sleep it off and …"

"No … Craig come on. We get each other. You know me. You know that …"

"It's Greg, Mr. Abbott and …"

"You all me, Billy." He leaned forward and extended his hand across the bar. "All my friends call me that."

"Fine." He took his hand and shook it briefly. "Billy, you need to go home and sleep this off and then tomorrow maybe you can think things through and …"

"I don't want to think. Thinking is the last thing I need to do. It's the thinking that does this." He pointed down to the place where the empty glass once sat. "Where did?" His brow furrowed in confusion. "I had a drink here."

Greg gestured to the man that stood by the door. "I'm gonna call him a car," he said as he watched the large gentleman help Billy to his feet. "Can you make sure he gets to it?"

"Stupid." He mumbled as he stumbled through the front door of the house. The large foyer seemed even emptier tonight as he heard the sound of his own voice echoing in the stillness. His mother was gone. Esther was on yet another cruise and Kevin and Chloe had found a place of their own. This had become his own private hell. His own collection of moments and memories, his own personal torture device. His unsteady steps led him towards the familiar bar cart, but his inebriated state forced him to grip the back of the chair for assistance. The feel of the throw beneath his fingers seemed to jolt him back into the past. He could feel her skin beneath his fingers, hear her breathing, smell her perfume.

It wasn't enough. He wasn't nearly drunk enough.

* * *

"Double money." He gripped the back of the chair hard as he let his body lean against the wall. "I just need the delivery tonight. Now." He waited, listening to the drone of excuses. "This is unacceptable." His tongue felt heavy as he attempted to form the words. He knew it was a lie. It was all a lie. Only was person was responsible for this and he knew exactly who it was. "Just forget it!" He screamed the words into the phone before hurling it towards the sofa. This was his brother's doing, his latest attempt to save him from himself.

His chest heaved as he struggled to focus enough to dial the numbers. The sound of his brother's voice made him grimace. Jack always sounded so poised, so high and mighty. It would do him good to fall, to experience this kind of pain, to truly understand what it felt like to feel as if your heart had been ripped from your chest and have no one understand or care or …

"Billy?"

Jack's concerned tone made his rage grow even more. "Billy? What's wrong? Where are you?"

"You want to know what's wrong, Jack? I'll tell you what's wrong …" He could feel his own body sway as he walked in front of the chair and let his body collapse against it.

"You're drunk," Jack sighed. "Where are you? I'll come get you. Just tell me where you are."

"I don't need you, Jack. I don't need your help. How many times do I have to tell you that? I don't need your protection. I don't need a father. I don't need a brother. I don't need a family. The only thing I needed was …"

"Billy." He knew what this was about. It was about the same thing it had been about for the last few months. Phyllis. "Billy, I know how much you're hurting."

"Don't." The word came out with visceral hate. "Don't claim you know how I feel. You never loved her like I did. Never."

"Billy. Don't do this. Don't go there. That's not what this is about. I know you're hurting. I know it's awful to love someone and not be able to have them. I do understand that kind of pain, but you can't just wallow in it. It doesn't help anything."

"I didn't call you to talk about anything," Billy snapped in retort. "I called you to tell you that I know what you're doing. I know what you did."

Jack leaned back in the chair and ran his hand over his face. It killed him to hear his brother talk this way. The manic, almost desperate sound in his voice reminded him so much of the destructive version of Billy he'd seen years ago. He'd thought for a time that Phyllis had changed him, saved him in a sense, but now, without her, he'd reverted back to an even more destructive version of the person he once was. "And what is it that you think I did, Billy?"

"It's not what I think you did," he snapped. "It's what I know you did." He waved his hands about in rage. "I tried to call and get scotch delivered and they said they couldn't deliver to me. They said they didn't deliver here. That's all you. You called them and told them not to bring me any, didn't you?"

Jack closed his eyes. "Billy, I'm just trying to help you. Drinking isn't going to help anything. I know that you're trying to feel better. I know you're trying to find a way to make the pain stop, but getting drunk out of your mind every night isn't a coping mechanism. It's an escape and it's not healthy. It's not going to help you and it's certainly not going to help your family."

"I don't need my family right now."

"Really? What about Johnny and Katie?"

The mention of their names was like a gut punch. "They're better off without me in their life. With everything I've done, it's better that they find someone else to teach them how to live. I just screw everything up. They don't need someone like that showing them how to be."

"They love you, Billy. They think the sun rises and sets with you."

"That's the problem. They don't know better. That's dangerous. They need to be protected from me until they know better … until they can figure out the real screw up that I am."

"Billy," Jack began. "Please just …"

"I'm going now, Jack. Just stop this mess. Stay out of my life. I'm a grown man. I don't need a guard dog."

Jack opened his mouth to speak but was met with dead air. "Billy," he called out even though he knew it was hopeless. He was already gone.

**_They say time is the only healer  
God, I hope that isn't right  
'Cause right now I'd die to not remember _**

He slammed the door and let his head fall back against the head rest for a moment. It was harder to focus now, the numbers on the speedometer seemed to dance in front of him and still he listened as the motor hummed to life. It was just a few miles. Everything would be fine. The sound of the radio blared in the car, the volume still blasting from the day before. The song was she loved, the chorus one she used to sing to as they'd make a light night run for burgers and fries.

How was it that everything seemed to remind him of her. Every little thing. People say to cherish the memories, but no one realized how much the hurt. He just wanted to forget. He needed to forget and as long as there was breath in his body, he never would. She would always be gone and he'd always be left behind. He let the air fill his lungs before he pressed down hard on the gas and aimed for the tree.


	2. Hope to Die

_Swearin' to God_

_I dedicate my life to loving you_

_I cross my heart and hope to die (I do)_

She ran her hand over the cool sheet beside her, the empty side of the bed the same as it always was. The incessant sound still continued as the fog of sleep slowly began to fade. It finally registered and she forced her tired body over towards the nightstand where she grasped her phone. Instantaneous dread passed through her as she saw Jack's name flash across the screen.

"Jack?" Her voice was stressed as she answered. "Jack, what's wrong?" He rarely called her, the relationship, although repaired would never be what it was. They rarely spoke now and when they did, it was almost always about Fenmore business or Summer – never about him. "Is Summer okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine. She's here with me actually." He looked over at Summer, her own face streaked with tears.

"Tell her I would have called myself, but …"

She heard the distant sound of her daughter's voice, the almost haunting tone that told her something truly awful had happened. "Jack," she repeated. "What's going on? You're scaring me."

"I wish I could tell you not to be," he said solemnly. "But this time, you should be."

* * *

"Thank you." She swiped the app and nearly catapulted from the car, barely even making eye contact with the driver as she rushed through the glass doors of the hospital. She scanned the busy waiting area and nearly collapsed with relief as she saw Jack heading towards her. As soon as he'd said the words, _'It's Billy. He's had an accident.' _Her entire world had stopped. It had never even been a decision. Coming here had been as natural as breathing. He needed her and she needed to be here. It was as simple as that.

"I'm glad you here." His voice was comforting as she stepped into his arms and felt him pull her close against his chest. "If anyone can …"

"What happened?" It was the question that had been echoing inside her head since the moment she'd boarded the plane. "A car accident or …" The look on his face made her pause and she took a step back. "What Jack? You said it was an accident so …"

"Well, it … I guess, it …" There was no reason to lie to her. She would soon see for herself what a disaster Billy had become. Protecting her feelings wasn't something he could take on in this moment. He had way too much on his plate trying to keep his brother alive. Any guilt she was going to shoulder would be her choice. "He'd been drinking a lot lately, more than a lot really. It had gotten out of hand to the point that I even contacted some of the local delivery services and paid them not to deliver to him anymore."

She let out a long breath and lowered herself into a chair. "I'm sure that won you a lot of points with him."

"Yeah, he wasn't too happy with me over that, but I didn't care really. I knew that if I didn't do something, it was going to get even worse and … well, I guess this kind of proves that I was right."

"So he was drunk then? He was driving while he was drunk?" She felt her own eyes close as she waited for confirmation. "Was anyone else hurt?"

"No. There wasn't any other car involved."

Her eyes opened upon hearing the words. "No other car? So he lost control or?"

Jack shrugged. "The police officer said there weren't any signs of him trying to swerve. There weren't any skid marks on the road or anything to indicate that it had been an accident." The thick knot in his throat seemed to grow larger as he watched the horror fill her eyes. He knew that feeling well. It was the same feeling that had never overwhelmed him a few hours earlier.

"You're not saying that he …"

"Obviously without talking to him, we can't be sure, but …"

She bit down hard on her lip. "But you think he did this on purpose? You think he was trying to …"

His eyes met hers. "I think he was trying to stop hurting. I think he was trying to forget."

"About me you mean?"

He touched her shoulder gently, "About the fact that you weren't here anymore."

* * *

"I don't know if I can do this?" She looked back over her shoulder at him, the blue eyes she'd stared into so many times now held so much hope and it all rested on her. "I don't know if I can go in that room and talk to him and not be angry. I …" She felt her voice tremble as the emotions within her battled for control. "Part of me is terrified that I'm going to lose him, Jack and the other part of me wants to beat the living hell out of him for what he put me through and …"

"So tell him that. I'm not asking you to go in there and pretend that everything's okay. I don't want you to pretend that if he wakes up everything is going to be right with the world again because that would be a lie on every count. He needs to know that there are problems. He needs to know that there are a lot of things that have to be worked on, but the simple fact that you came, the fact that you cared enough to get on a plane and come here to see him, that might just be enough to give him the hope he needs."

"I'm not even sure why I came," she said softly.

"Because you love him." Jack shrugged as he looked down at her. "Believe me, I don't love saying it either, but I believe that it's true. Do you realize that you got on a plane and flew here without asking me any questions at all. You just did it because you knew he was in trouble. You don't do that because you're angry. You don't do that because you kind of care. You do that for someone you love. And you love my brother."

"You don't know the whole story, Jack. You have no idea what he did to me."

"Was it worse than what the two of you did to me?" He saw the look of shock on her face. "I doubt it."

She swallowed hard, not ready to admit that the answer was yes. "That's not the point, Jack. I still don't know if I can get past this. How am I supposed to walk in there and just …"

"You just do it because you love him and you don't want to lose him and if you don't go in there, I'm terrified that's exactly what's going to happen."

* * *

She pulled the curtain and felt her breath catch in her throat. His entire body was covered with cuts and bruises. Tubes and wires seemed to be coming from everywhere and the whir of the machines only served to amplify the sound of her heart pounding in her ears. She reached for the small metal stool and pulled it close to his bedside. Her eyes never left him as she settled herself on it and gingerly searched for somewhere she might be able to touch him without inflicting too much pain.

"Billy," she said quietly. "It's me. It's Phyllis. I talked to the doctors. They told me that you've got yourself into a bit of a mess here. You've got some internal bleeding. They're trying it, but …" She felt her eyes sting as she watched him, his silence wasn't something to which she was accustomed. "They don't know if it's working because you don't seem to be responding and they really need you to respond and …" Her hand trembled as she let her thumb lightly stroke his hand. "I need you to respond to, Billy. I can't just sit here and talk to a stump. I can't argue with you like this. It doesn't work. I can't be angry with you when you're just laying here. I can't tell you how much you hurt me. I can't tell you that my entire life has become a series of trying not to think about how it used to be when we were together."

She watched him, silently praying that something would happen, hoping against everything that he'd open his eyes, that he'd move, that he'd yell, that he'd scream, that give her a stupid excuse that would probably infuriate her but would mean that he was back, that he was here, that he heard her.

"I need you to come back, Billy. I need you to know how angry I am with you because you were it for me. You were the only one that ever truly understood. You got me. You got all of me and you wanted all of me. You didn't ask me to change or twist myself into somebody I wasn't. You were there accepting me and loving me and celebrating everything that we were together and I need you to open your eyes so that I can tell you that I'm mad as hell at you for ruining that for us!" Tears streamed down her face, falling onto the sheets beside him.

"And now I guess you're just planning on laying here and letting me scream at you like a heartless bitch, right? You think you get to check out on me like this? You think you get to walk away now because I did? Is that the plan? You want me to see how it feels to be left behind? If that's it, it's working, okay? It sucks. I don't like it. I wasn't going to stay away forever, Billy. I just needed some time. I needed to think. I needed to live my own life for a while and I thought you did too, but I had no idea you'd do something like this … What the hell were you thinking, Billy?"

She let her body lay over him, hoping the sound of his heartbeat might bring her the same comfort it had so many nights before. At least she would know there was still life left, even if only for a while.

"I was thinking I couldn't live without you."

The low rumble of his voice vibrated through his chest and she lay perfectly still for a moment, willing herself to believe it had actually been true. Her eyes were wide as she sat up and stifled a sob as she looked into his now open eyes. "Billy," she breathed. "You're awake. You're here."

"You're here. I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

She smiled as she brought his hand to her lips. "You almost didn't. You almost didn't see anyone again. What the hell were you thinking? You can't do that. Do you hear me? You can't ever do that to me again. You don't get to leave me like that."

"Leave you? I didn't leave." He was still weak as he blinked back at her. "You're really here, right? I'm not dreaming?"

"I'm really here," she whispered. "I'm here. I wish I'd been here sooner. I didn't know that things were this bad. "

"How could it not be? You left. I thought you and I were forever and then you were just gone and I know that I did something that …"

"No." She reached out to grab a small glass of water and held it to his lips as he slowly drank. "We don't need to talk about that right now."

"I just … I know it was my fault, but … I need you to know that I'm sorry."

"I know you are."

He studied her face as she looked down at him. The question was one that was dangerous in a sense and still, he had to ask. "Why did you come?"

"You needed me."

"After what I did, I thought you would have thought that this was probably some kind of poetic justice … like in one of those novels."

"You hurt me," she said quietly after a moment of silence. "You broke my heart, but you still have it. You always will. I love you."

She saw his chest rise and fall with the relief of her words. "I love you," he said he struggled to find her hand. "I love you and I won't ever do anything to hurt you like that. I'll die before I …"

Her lips covered his quickly, her gentle kiss stopping his words. "No," she said as she pulled back. "No more death. We've got way too much living to do … together."


End file.
